Lauryn Says ...

Smile

Mon, 07 May 2007 23:58:37 GMT

So, last night wasnt the best night, but i made it through, hoping things would get better. I knew it may take awhile, I know things always get better.
Today was so much better than yesterday, and I actually had a really good day.

You made my day. =]]

yeaaa

Sat, 05 May 2007 02:09:21 GMT

You didnt call today =[ i miss you babyyy

Ryan

Fri, 04 May 2007 03:18:31 GMT

I miss you. And you hate me. We no longer talk ever, because of another mistake i have made. Lately I've noticed a pattern. Everytime something good happens to me, i fuck it up faster than I can enjoy it. I never meant to hurt you, and I think you know that deep down. At least I hope you do. Its just, I dont think about anything, and all I think about is having fun. But you are across the country and we arent together right now, so I dont know what you expect me to do. I just want you to call me though. please. Give me another chance. Realize you miss me. Even though you said your life is perfect without me in it. I know maybe you didnt mean it, and I know you love me. I feel soo guilt for everything, but give me another chance. I can prove myself.

Stressful day.

Thu, 03 May 2007 12:19:31 GMT

Stress. So much stress that its making me sick. When I say sick, I don't mean angry, and i can't take it, I mean the kind of sick when you turn the color of the paper your writing on, and the feeling I could pass out at any given moment. Do yyou ever feel likeeverthing you have done is wrong, and everything is our fault? Like you could just run away, and not miss a single thing, and thinking mabe the world would feel the same. Its funn how your feelings about someone can change so dramaticall with the blink of an eye. Thinking you loved someone all that time, but then taking a step back, and saying to yourself, "Maybe I never did love him, maybe I dont 'love' anyone." People get so caught up in "love" all the time, but really, what is it? could it just be an overused phrase? Listening to everything you said, and how you really felt hurts, and was unbeleivably hard to listen to, but maybe I needed it. I needed to realize it, and now that i replay all the hateful things over and over again in my mind, I stop to think. All the things you said could be absolutely true, and deep down I probably knew what kind of person I really am, but you were the first to admit it. But not onl did I come to see how aweful I am myself, I saw who you really are, and I can't believ it took all of that for me to see it. For me to see that I no longer need you in my life. Ever again, and now I can finally move on with my life, and maybe start over. Not regreting my past, but making sure my future is so much bettter. Erasing you from m life, and mabe thinking about you on occasion, but to no extreme extent.

Happy, yet Guilty

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 02:05:21 GMT

So we worked things out, but what am I going to do about you?
I don't know what I'm doing anymore, im so happy I'm with him again, but I still miss you like crazy, and I want you to come home, but then again I dont, and I want to be with you, but I'm with him, and I'm happy.
What am I going to do?

Well other than that, I hung out with Cameron this weekend, and I'm soo happy we worked things out, I missed him so unbelievably much, and I never thought we would get back together, I think this may be the happiest I have been in a looong time.

life

Sat, 28 Apr 2007 00:35:14 GMT

Life is filled with more and more twists and turns, and I'm starting to realize it more everyday, and everyday i'm starting to realize what it could take to over come all these twists and turns,
one must be strong, because if you are not, things only become harder
Stress is one of the most difficult things to cope with, I for one am beginnig to realize this.
It seems like it is one thing on top of another, and you just keep getting stressed out,
but then you take a step back and look at why you are stressed, and you realize that compared to some, you have it easy, and you try to relieve your stress, thinking you are in the wrong for being depressed, but it doesnt work.
Have you actually sat there and looked at how much harder some of your closest friends have it then you?
Can you even begin to imagine what it feels like to know that one of your best friends last breathe could be coming sooner then wished. Not being able to see him, for fear of getting him sick, missing him more and more each day, hoping you get in at least one last hug before he goes, and praying everynight that maybe he will get lucky. Wondering everyday why God chose him, knowing he doesn't deserve this, and wishing that he could have the life of a normal teenage boy.
On top of all this, you are trying to regain the trust of so many people, and its the toughest thing in the world, as much as you wish it were possible, trust is not something that you can just be given, you have to earn it. I want all the trust in the world back, I want to be innocent again, and I want to be able to leave without my parents questioning what im really going to do.
I also want to figure out what love it. Does real love ever die? If i love you so unbeliveably much, why is it I dont want to be with you? and why is it i miss the boy who hurt me the most? Hmm, will I ever get answers?

Wed, 25 Apr 2007 04:03:55 GMT

you didnt call today, and i miss you.
dannngiiitt

chyeaa

Tue, 24 Apr 2007 01:07:47 GMT

Blonde. A tad different then before, but I like it.
Today was a gooood day,
and tomorrow will be even better.
Ryan called and is hopefully coming back to Michigan for good, in about a month.
Me and Eden are gonna go take pictures.

=]

Sun, 22 Apr 2007 16:55:57 GMT

I will not hesitate to make your life a living hell.
you have messed with the wrong person

=]]

Sun, 22 Apr 2007 14:09:54 GMT

Today will be a good day. I'm in a wonderful mood, and just woke up. It's great how I can be so extremely stressed over someone yesterday, and wake up completely over him today. The weather is supposed to be getting up to 80 today, which is great, and I will be outside most of the day, getting good pictures, and having a great time. James is coming over later and we are going to watch The Pursuit of Happiness, since he is a loser and has yet to see it. I want to watch him weep. yay =]
Later I'm going golfing again with my mom, and perhaps a close friend due to the fact she didnt have the best night last night.
I just want to run up and give her an enormous hug and tell her I'm here for her right now. I went through the same thing when I was only 4, and she can get through it, knowing everyone is here for her. I hope everything gets better for her. =]

Lauryn's Agenda

1. shower
2. get ready
3. James will come over
4 walk into town for food, and moviesss
5. go golfing
6. come home =]

stupidity

Sun, 22 Apr 2007 02:08:07 GMT

I can't believe I thought I trusted you, I can't believe how many times I told my friends they were wrong about you, and that you would never hurt me, when really everything you ever said or did was a lie. Stupidity, I feel so unbelievably stupid for not realizing it. Yes, I had thought about the possibility of it because of all the things people were saying, but you lied to my face so many times, somehow getting me to believe you everytime. I don't know what to do anymore. Why do I always fall for the guys who hurt me, and run from the ones who treat me good? I will never know. This is all stupid. I hate him.

Note to Self: never trust another boy

Happy.

Sat, 21 Apr 2007 23:14:53 GMT

I woke up early,
watched a movie,
and headed to the golf course,
did good,
ate something delicious,
and now im home =]

Poem I wrote for school today

Fri, 20 Apr 2007 00:57:32 GMT

Oh how things have changed
I just haven't felt the same
I miss seeing you everyday
I miss saying your name

It all started last May
When you took my heart away
You have yet to give it back
And thats all there is to say

You got your things and decided to pack
And this is when i realized you weren't coming back
I wish I could get over it and pretend not to care
But hiding my feelings is something I lack

I wanted to call you, but i did not dare,
For I am the one who left you in despair,
And I am the one who can only hope
That you will call me when you get there

I will put on a smile, not sit here and mope
Although my moods are up and down like ski slopes
I know I will miss you
But i can learn to cope

You boarded a plane and then you flew
Many miles away like you told me you'd do
I heard you say it but i never knew,
That my worst nightmare would soon come true

love

Fri, 20 Apr 2007 00:41:02 GMT

The words "I love you" don't mean shit to me.

today

Thu, 19 Apr 2007 04:38:51 GMT

I want to change.
i'm so sick of being this person.
I want to take off this horrible mask,
and be the little innocent girl i used to be.
no more chemicals to run through my body,
no more of the guys
none of it.
i want it all gone.
i want to be young agian

Wow

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 04:14:10 GMT

My emotions are so scrambled up at the time, and there are no answers to my questions,
I dont know what to do, i dont know what to think, and i have no clue who to love.
This is the hardest time of my life, and the past month and been unbareably rough.
One of you is telling me you love me, but you are 600 miles away,
and the other is telling me the same, but you are the one hanging all over another girl.
I can't have you if your all the way across the country, and i dont want you if you are going to want me and her at the same time.
Its funny how you can sit there and say so many hatred things toward a person, but claim you have feelings for them a week later,
It makes me wonder what you are telling her about me.
This is all so difficult and I dont know what to believe or what to think.
I dont know who to love or who to talk to.
All my friends have turned on me because of the fact i was with you and spent all my time with you,
but now your gone, and i only have a few people.
i guess if i look on the bright side, i learned who my true friends are, and who will be there no matter what.

...

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 21:13:51 GMT

Trust no one.
That's something i learned way to long ago,
and today i realized again.
If they say they love you, don't believe them.

and my life continues in confusion.

Mon, 16 Apr 2007 20:16:28 GMT

I didn't think you really cared,
I never thought i'd hear from you again,
but then you called, and made me the happiest person in the world.
We had so much to say, and talked for hours and hours,
you told me how you'd been, and i told you how i'd been,
you told me you missed me, and i said it back,
and then after talking for a while, and catching up,
your feelings came pouring out, you told me how much you love me,
and that when you move in just 4 hours half way across the country,
you would miss me, and be thinking about me alot.
You told me I'm the only one for you, and how you quit your bad habits for me.
You told me how much you have changed, some ways good and some bad.
We laughed, we talked, we cried,
i miss you.
Then you left. Gone.
I thought about you the whole next day,
and wondered how you liked it, i was scared for you more than anything,
and suddenly missed you more than ever.
then you called, you love where you are, you told me all about it,
hearing the excitement in your voice made me happy for you,
but at the same time sad, knowing you will probably not come back.
I was so happy to be talking to you again, but then you did it.
you stopped calling me, you told me we arent coming back.
we are back to square one.
no communication.
you say its too hard, talking to me makes you realize what you left, and makes you want to come home,
knowing that when you get here im taken my someone else,
it gives you hope, when there is none,
and it would be easier to not call.
you hang up on me, no i love yous.
nothing.
i miss you.

DRUNK

Mon, 16 Apr 2007 19:58:12 GMT

chug. chug. chug. chug. chug.
damn i felt good.
one shot, then two, then a few more,
i lost track.
Don't remember the majority of the night,
and puking more times then you can keep track of.
almost falling down the stairs, but a friend catching you.
these are the nights you wish you could remember.
hangover the next day.
aweful headache.
first day back to school in two weeks, and not being able to stay awake.
live life, have fun. always party, feel like shit in the morning.
<img src=http://i41.photobucket.com/albums/e280/brionca/thBACARDIRAZZ.jpg>

Hatered

Thu, 05 Apr 2007 20:31:32 GMT

I never knew i could hate two individuals this much.
it's not just that i dont like them,
its more of my stomached going into knots everytime i think of them,
its more like me clenching my fists everytime they talk to me,
and its more like screaming your heart out after they are done telling you what ever it is they believe to be so important.
I don't know what i ever did to be treated like this,
but it's not fair,
and i wish for the death of both of them.
That may sound harsh, but you have no idea who im dealing with right now.
I often think about just running away, and not ever coming back,
maybe i will be happier, and won't have to deal with the chaos of my life at this very moment.
But what will that solve?
i will still hate them just as much as i did before doing so,
so there is no point.
I hate the feeling of thinking for so long that you know someone,
and thinking they will always be there for you,
and then withing minuits all of that vanishes,
you can't trust them, you have no idea who they are, and they feel the same about you.

Damnit...

Thu, 05 Apr 2007 02:33:20 GMT

I didn't get in my last goodbye,
have a good life,
i will see you soon,
goodbye love =]]

Maryland will be beautiful

not that great

Tue, 03 Apr 2007 23:48:39 GMT

I never knew that six simple words, that probaly only took 1.5 secons to think about, and 2 seconds to type could mean so much to who they were being written to.
"I'm gonna miss you soooo much"
each word may bt small, but when put together by the perfect person they mean everything.
Could something so small change your prespective of the future?
Will knowing someones feelings help me live each day to follow with a little more ease?
When i start to miss you, will looking back on those six words put me in a better mood?
I hope so.
I never imagined this to be so hard,
I never thought that the tought of you being gone,
and the thought of me not seeing you walk the halls at school would take such a toll on my mood.
Months ago, when you jokingly made me a picture saying you'd miss me when you moved,
i never would have thought the words quickly scribbled onto the paper would become real too soon.
I keep hoping that you wont leave,
and maybe this isnt real, maybe i will wake up and you will be living only 5 minutes away from me.
but that wont happen.
i need to face reality.
little did i know, that a decision i thought was so small
would determine wheather or not i would see you anymore.
would i have still made that decision?
if i could go back would i still make that decision?
i guess i will never know.

Lauryn Marie

I wrote this last night...

Tue, 03 Apr 2007 23:31:55 GMT

What do we do when everything a person does seems to be wrong?
What happens when you think things are perfect, but really everything seems to be upside down?
Who do we turn to after we've pushed everyone away?
And whats going to happen after the one person you really have loved leaves?
This all happens so fast.
Have you ever felt like you were living life to make everyone esle happy?
This is how i feel everyday.
What do you do when you try to replace that special someone with another, even though you know deep down, they can never fill his shoes?
Why is it that I'm trying so hard to love, but i can't let go of the past?
I dream about the futrue, but the dreams are taken over by flashbacks of what used to be.
everyone tells me everything happens for a reason, and that God does everything for a reason,
but i will forever question their belief.
Does everything happen for a reason, or is that all a lie?
What will happen with my future after the one boy who was keeping me sane moves halfway across the country because of a choice i made?
Will the person who is suppose to be filling his place fill that part of me that is now missing?
No. Never. Not a chance in the world.
I will never be the same person i have been over the past ten months.
And that part of me will never be fixed.
Maybe God and the rest of the world will prove me wrong.
Maybe everything does happen for a reason.
Is there hope?
Doubt it.

Lauryn Marie

write

Tue, 03 Apr 2007 02:07:06 GMT

Are you ever in a mood when you can write and write for hours,
just because you feel like there is so much to say?
I'm in that mood right now.
After writing a two page journal entry in my hand written journal,
i decided to get onto here and write even more.
Do you ever feel like everything you do is wrong, and nothing you do is right?
I feel like that all the time.
I just wrote a two page poem, and later on I will put it up here
Today was one of those days.
i didnt go to school because i think i have mono,
and it gave me all day to sit and think,
for some reason all the thoughts going through my head today were depressing.
Realizing that your world is scrambled and you keep messing up
is not something happily realized.
I know that life isnt always fair, but its the poor decisions we make that makes life so unfair.
Preparing yourself to lose someone you care so much about is the worst feeling in the world,
and even worse when the say they despise you, for your choice of leaving them,
Even though deep down you know they dont mean it, and deep down they love you,
it's hard to hear what they keep telling you.
Knowing that you never got in a real good bye,
and now they will be gone for a good amount of time,
worrying everyday that when they do come back they might not call,
and having that thought be the scariest thing in the world.
Wishing that you could have one more day,
just to let them know that you will be thinking about them every single day,
and letting the chain that once symbolized your love for eachother hang from your neck, but now it has a whole new meaning.
Why do i always feel like i have to make everyone else happy?
Why is it that as hard as i try nobody can ever except it,
and knowing that im not happy, i still strive to impress others.
Why don't people except me for me, and why is it they continue to want me to be someone im not.
People push me to do certain things, because if i dont they get mad, but once i do what they want, i keep messing up.

why is everything so unfair? and why cant things go back to normal?

why cant i live my life how i want to live it?

and why am i having such a hard time welcoming in a change.

AHHH i just want to run out in the middle of the road and scream my heart out, i want to be heard.
i can't take this anymore.
but now my mom is yelling at me to get off the computer,
and go clean my room.
i cant handle this right now, i think im going to go beyond her wishes and go to bed.
good night.
will tomorrow be a better day?
or will it be harder knowing that goodbye is going to be closer when i wake up in the morning?

yesterday

Mon, 02 Apr 2007 13:41:25 GMT

Eden came over, and we walked to McDonalds,
on the way there i got shit on by a fucking bird
it was sooo gross.
Then a dog chased us.
hmm very eventful trip.
When we got home, we walked to Mrs. Meidlar's house
to see her, since we havent seen her since summer =]
Cameron picked us up from there, and took us home.
Eden and I took over 200 photos, but only 83 turned out decent.
it was fun, we had a photoshoot in my room =]
today im home sick, i think i have mono